A Cure for Loneliness?
This is my first topic-request, so I hope it touches that specific reader and everyone who reads this.
Loneliness is an increasing epidemic in our 21st century world – and it stems from one simple problem: a separation from a deep and intimate communion with God, with fellow man and with one’s self.
From the beginning, Adam had everything – he had all the plants, animals, food, nature, and later was given Eve to be his companion, but above all, he had and enjoyed the presence of God. Adam was simply in perfect union with all of creation and the Creator. But when Adam chose something other than God (the fruit, ie sin), he destroyed not only his union with God, but his perfect union with his wife (ie humanity) and with the rest of creation.
Adam simply made a decision outside of God. And what did Adam do right after this act? He resorted to being alone or away from God – he hid from the presence of God. God cries out “Where are you?” and of course God knew where he was – but Adam began to hide from God and from himself (covering himself with leaves) and then blamed both God and his wife for his mistake (Gen 3:12).
Thus the cause of loneliness can be seen from the beginning. We are lonely because we separate or ‘hide’ from God, we cover our true selves (in all sorts of way from pretending to be someone else to living in sin, etc etc), and we don’t always have healthy relations with our fellow man.
One of the biggest issues in our society (I believe) is that it constantly promotes and boasts of individuality apart from the other – an individualistic and self-centred approach to living, so-called loving, and being (“be your best self” “if you want it done do it yourself” “it’s your success” etc etc). In this “me me me” ideology, we have cut off the fundamental aspect of our created nature – being connected with one another (creation, humanity, God) – to be more of the “self” and independent and self-willed. This is a flawed theology, for no being of any sort can be independent of another – for we all come from God and were made and are sourced from another human being. (And this revelation is clear when Adam saw Eve and said “this is now bone of my bones…” Gen 2:23). Adam identified his humanity in Eve (in the ‘other’); likewise we as human beings identify our being with one another; this is why God said “love your neighbour as yourself” – because your neighbour is yourself – he also shares in the same humanity.
Having lived in 3 different countries and travelled to many different parts of the world, I have been able to notice different cultural beliefs, ideologies, and practices. I have realised that the highest rate of suicide, depression, divorce rate, sexual immorality, debt, loneliness, obesity is in the USA (and I think statistically this is confirmed). This is not a point to demoralise America or Americans (as I do not renounce my birthplace of origin and upbringing) – but I say to bring an awareness that something is fundamentally wrong here – why does one of the “richest” and most powerful countries in the world suffer from the greatest human epidemics across the globe?
I think Mother Theresa sums it up quite well…on a visit to New York she said she worked with the poorest of the poor in the streets of Calcutta but the real poverty was in the West:
“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty — it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There’s a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”
God and the pursuit of authentic, loving relationships (and to be loved) have been replaced by “me me me” ideology and the attempt to satisfy the self in ungodly and selfish means (wealth, social status, sex, alcohol, other addictions). My goal must thus be to thrive on Life itself – to be filled with the “One who fills all things” (prayer from the 3rd hour of the Book of Hours) and to build my peace and love with humanity and creation. It seems to me the norm has now become to be ‘lonely’ and ‘depressed’ or unforgiving and unsatisfied; there has to be a change, for God has and does not intend this for us (“I have come to give them life and they may have it abundantly” John 10:10, and “rejoice in the Lord”, Phil 4:4 and many others).
Forgiveness I believe is a fundamental key to the cure of loneliness. How? Because in being forgiving towards another I allow myself to empty myself of anger, pride, envy (things that are not innate to myself as a child of God)– and offer myself to love, compassion, and life; if I hold grudges or avoid certain people or refuse and simply (and ‘logically’) cannot forgive such and such a person for whatever they did – then I refuse to love myself. Yes, I refuse to love myself because I am called to love my neighbour as myself (and this of course includes not forgiving oneself and not forgiving God also). And if I cannot love my neighbour or myself, then I am limiting myself to the love of God in me – towards myself, to others, and to God. I am simply not living the Gospel (for the greatest commandment is to love God and love your neighbour – there were no conditions attached).
If I can’t have a healthy relationship with my fellow man, then how can we get it right with God, who can truly cure my loneliness? (indeed John was right when he said “for he who does not love his brother whom he has seen, how canhe love God whom he has not seen?” (1 John 4:20) And no wonder the whole world seems to be in chaos because I can’t get it right with God or with man or even myself; these 3 must work together –as the Holy Trinity work together in perfect unity and love, the Trinity shows us how to live and love and have holy relationships.
I also cannot fill my loneliness in seeking any relationship (friends, dating, co-workers etc), thinking that it will fill my void; for I am not complete or filled by another person or myself (sorry Jerry McGuire) – for it is God who completes and perfects me (1 Peter 5:10). Only God, authentic relationships with the other and one’s self can do this. My relationship with myself and with the other must be dependent and identified on God. Once these 3 are in communion of love, then one will see the epidemic of loneliness disintegrate.
So to briefly conclude, we have to re-analyse what relationship we have of our selves (how do I view myself, am I unforgiving towards my past etc), with people (from your local shopkeeper to your mother, friend, boss, etc) and of course with God.
(I have much more to say (especially on the isolation that social media creates) – but I will save it for another blog on “authentic human relationships” as many people have informed me my blogs are too long to read 🙂
I'm an ever-learning student, who wishes to share what I've experienced and been taught throughout the years -- whether through personal experience and/or my academia in theology. I hope to inspire others to learn more about life, God, and for each one to find their desired purpose and calling in this world.
Beautiful description of the deep reasons for human loneliness. I recall reading a study that showed how societies where extended family members still interact a lot with other or even live int he same house have much lower levels of loneliness, depression and suicide. We humans seem to be built for being social and work best that way.
One of the hardest problems to deal with as a parish priest is the lonely person who says to me: “Yes I love God very much and that is very good as far as it goes, but I need the physical presence of another.” It is often not sexual, but the need for someone to talk to and interact with who will talk back and respond directly, as opposed to the ‘veil’ through which now we see God ‘as through a mirror dimly’. I wonder what your response to that might be?
hi Abouna!
Thank you for your comment – it is a widespread situation and concern. A few things come to mind (easier said than done at times of course)-
– I would suggest to the person to analyse their relationship with their self – how do they view their self, are they able to spend time alone (within reason of course), what are their self-beliefs. In this identity analysis and self-realisation, I believe it clears up (when done through God’s guidance and prayer) many false beliefs and that in itself fills us – because we come to know more of our true selves — so in other words, having a better relationship with ourselves.
– I also would suggest to analyse their relationship again with their family, friends, people they know etc — again — so their quality, how they interact, are they edifying, are the fulfilling, do they find themselves more of themselves through such relations (especially people who are close to them). In such relationships (as I mentioned as being ‘authentic’) also fill our selves – and like you said does not have to be a physical/sexual satisfaction but authentic relationships with another human being to interact with. Sometimes we have many people in our lives (even if we live alone) and they can be very fulfilling and sufficient/efficient; other times we can live with a house full of people and be very lonely because the relationships we have around us are not healthy (granted this is not always up to us – some people we need not in our lives and should keep distance but yet maintain that honest love and respect for them- for those bad/negative relations we have in our lives I believe create more void and loneliness).
– I would also say on a practical note as well to do more social activities; whether it is going out to dinner/coffee with co-workers friends every so often, join a gym, find hobbies or even classes (dance classes for example :)) or art classes or cooking classes…so this would depend on the person’s interests and lifestyle they want to build socially. Also, service is I think major in filling ourselves — for we know that in giving that innately is part of our nature – and in that – we become full/not always having the feelings or emotions of loneliness since we are interacting and helping another human being and using our abilities to do so. (So from serving more in diff ways at church, or local charity or soup kitchen — there is always so much service and people always need help – or helping the elderly etc etc).
– It is also a good place for that person to find their gifts/talents and use them — being/living alone many times has opportunities to new discoveries of one self and one’s interests/gifts etc and one is able to use their time to do so much good and service – whereas when one has a family and kids etc of course responsibilities increase and we have less time for those things.
Sorry for long response but I hope it helps in some way! ‘The world is our oyster’ as the saying goes and it can be true if we really want to pursue/do great things in every stage of our life — especially when we are alone
Donna, thank you so much for your post. Super inciteful. Wondering if you have read Henri Nouwen’s “Reaching Out.” In his first section he talks about the need to move from Loneliness to Solitude as the “starting place” but does not really offer much as to “how to move.” Thoughts?
Hi Abouna Michael! Thank you for reading and your comment. I never came across the book – (thank you for the reference) — I just downloaded a sample of it and read the intro…very interesting!
I was actually inspired about the importance of relational theology as a ‘cure’ for loneliness from a small section of “Persons in Communion” by Kyriaki Fitzgerald, where she states that “we human persons, created in the ‘image and likeness’ of this Trinitarian God, are called to grow in authentic relationship with God, with our own selves, with other persons and with creation..to live in this manner is, ultimately, contrary to our basic human nature that is rooted in the reality of the Triune God.” (p4)
As I haven’t read Nouwen’s book – I will say that the idea from moving from “loneliness to solitude” is exemplary and necessary for one’s spiritual growth – how and why?
Well, in the stillness/solitude of our beings we are able to reflect and connect with our selves and in turn connect with the divine Creator — in whom we find our true selves. In Him we are filled; — so having said this, reflecting our relationship with ourselves, with others (anyone in our lives as I mentioned from day to day life) and of course with God — I believe in this we will understand more of our brokenness within each of these 3 branches of relationships.. once understanding/reflection/acknowledgement comes, then action must follow (ie first step of rehabilitation is acceptance/acknowledgment).
So if one acknowledges that there is a deeper interior issue besides just being ‘lonely’ then this is the first step towards healing and being filled with those very things that God has given us – ourselves, others and Him. Why am I lonely? Do I lack satisfying relationships around me among friends, family, colleagues? Am I unhappy with myself? Do I feel distant with God? And so on…
I believe it is a daily process – and probably life-long process; that is, growth in all these 3 relations. There are some points in our life that we may feel more ‘lonely’ than other points – and it is in those very times that we have more opportunity (possibly here the ‘solitude’ aspect) for more reflection and stillness for more growth; even as painful as it may seem (no pain no gain). Every phase of our life has a lesson and those lonely times I believe are those which we can learn the most about our selves and life and our relationship with God (having said that I am neither saying it is not possible to reflect/be still without having this time of being in ‘solitude’ or being ‘lonely’).
Reflection and pursuit of healing the brokenness through building these 3 relational aspects give forth potential of that moving towards being filled — from a perspective of ‘loneliness to solitude’ – in that I am alone but no longer lonely.
Sometimes i really wonder if there ever will be a cure for Loneliness for many of us since many of us men are hoping to meet a good woman to share our life with. Most of the time we do meet the very mean women out there instead of a decent one for a change, and the women of years ago were much more educated than the ones that are out there now.
‘Loneliness’ must be reconciled in understanding to have a healthy relationship with ourselves, being filled with God foremost, and having edifying relations (friends, family, co-workers etc) in our life as much as possible or at least with those we choose to spend our time with.. marriage must be understood in the light of Christ — for someone to bring us closer to the kingdom; no relationship I believe is a cure for loneliness if one doesn’t know that those 3 healthy relations (with God, self, others) must come first. I don’t doubt there are more difficult/lonely times in our life than at other times but its those very times I think is the best opportunity to search more within ourselves and find fulfilment in the things that are before us – in every stage of our lives.
As for marriage on a different note, I recommend reading this article:
http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/27749-you-never-marry-the-right-person
And some points from this statement on what marriage is in our Christian understanding:
http://www.johnsanidopoulos.com/2013/12/church-of-greece-issues-encyclical-on.html
So funny i was just in the middle of writing this ( See below)! just finished reading the way of the heart by Henri! but i really like how you phrased it as a transition between loneliness to solitude…and i think the last step is compassion and relation
i will read reaching out because i dont think i fully understand its application yet
From Solitude to Compassion
lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless and lonely is healing if you make it.-
We fear being alone. If we are not with people, we can’t resist the urge to hang out with our mobiles. It is when we are faced with this nothingness that we feel this deep urge to just run to anyone or anything. We want to run from this nothingness. But what happens if we confront it, we sit, we are alone and we are still. It is then that we can fully surrender to Christ in our realization that we are really nothing without Him.
It is when we are truly alone and in His presence, that we are transformed. We are to be transformed and not conformed. When people, their opinions and thoughts constantly surround us we become victims of societies entanglement. Because, by the time you translate the thoughts in your head, some essence of them may be lost or just kept. We pray let the walls of Jerusalem be built; we pray let the walls around our hearts be built. But while we pray we must be patient and give the walls a chance because it hard to put brick on brick when there is constant attack.
But how can we take this virtue of silence and the ability to be alone and use it to serve others? Done right, it should never be self-seeking, but a means to an end of loving more fully. Out of solitude comes compassion. Compassion is more than just pity; it is so much more; it is the tender heartedness in which we approach others with understanding and care. It is the ability to take on another’s burdens. It is the willingness to share the pain of others and like Simon of Cyrene, take the burden of the cross. But in order to get to that place, first we must be willing to go to that place of silence and solitude in order to leave behind our self and our pride, to really die so that we can be free to live for others
“To die to our neighbors means to stop judging them, to stop evaluating them, and thus to become free to be compassionate. Compassion can never coexist with judgment because judgment creates the distance, the distinction, which prevents us from really being with the other.”- Henri Nouwen
Beautiful quote and thoughts Monica! Thank you for sharing. Yes – it is in facing them we place ourselves as empty and nothingness before Him and so that He alone can fill us – and in being filled with Him we are able to share Him with the whole world.
But we also have to be wise and know that we whilst we rely fully on Him – we can also rely on others who work through and in Him…and He in them, but the fine line is being completely dependent on man rather than seeing that God uses others and things for us.
We are all made to be communal beings and not made to live in the deserts or caves of our rooms or in the wilderness — some are called to be in the desert yes, but we all need to know ourselves well to know what is a healthy balance of solitude lest that solitude turn into isolation and unhealthy loneliness.
Loved this Donna! Thank you so much – I love how you linked our relationships with the relationship of The Holy Trinity.
Thank you Michael! I was inspired by Kyriaki (wonderful woman and theologian) book “Persons in Communion” which is fantastic. 🙂 we forget that all we do must be done through the living work of the Trinity and it is in their perfect and unified relationship we are called and meant to live by.